An auto-biographical blog of [and about] a self-centered, porn-addicted psycho with a clearly fucked-up mind who tries to reobtain true and mutually felt love in this world. Maybe irrelevant, stupid and backwards... but in many ways the only read (about weed) you need. Made for true friends and lazy readers worldwide. [Free temporary ads colored red in all posts]
so far all my readers realized that I paused my publishing posts, and you might have gotten an invitation on Social Media to read new and eventually completed writings. I had to do work on promotion material and company software for my profession as a translator and community interpreter that consumed most of my time recently. That's an ongoing work that I mustn't neglect; I nevertheless will get back to blogging and continue publishing posts of chapter 2 the months to come. The chapter on LaVey Satanism needs finishing, but I'll put forward the chapter about Bible ideology and currently run the numbers of animal appearances in the well-established King James Bible, which, by the way, is available as a mid-weight TXT file on the website of the Gutenberg Project. I'm not telling you that so that you read the entire fantasy story, though, I'm telling you the exact source that will serve as base of my analisis…
Present day AI Open Source models are fully unreliable instruments for the scientific analysis. However, they're good enough to code simple uendeavor of mine, but fortunately, scientific work can actually be performed much quicker than creative writing, provided you schedule that work religiously; so, work will be done sooner than writings such as all the posts of my blogs that I paused with an 'Under Construction'-picture on the bottom of each. Once I'm ready, got the result, and made my conclusions, you'll find the link to the scientific paper in here, at the HeavyMetal Fairyland.
I noticed that handful of you guys already wrote this particular post. The following lines are added to the ones I read before (and I made a few slight changes to be more precise about what I have in mind the months to come).
The news I want you to be aware of are that I won't perform this scientific analysis fully by myself. In order to get a fact-based scientific result, the analysis I prepared should be universally performable. In other words, certain outcomes should be the same, no matter who's performing. This little project won't have a budget, First, to ensure that I'm not commercially driven. And second, because no one would give me budget for such a task. That means, in order to provide workers necessary for the complete analysis in a scientific work like this, The workers that make fact-based scientific results possible will only be volunteers. The question I had to ask myself was, who other than me will be crazy enough to complete such a heavy work for free? Well, my first answer was nobody I reckon. But then I thought, well, it shouldn't be so hard and I have certain resources to make it more digestible. As I wrote before, Free to use AI models and trustworthy. But fortunately, you can have them create a well-instructed but fully functioning, easy-to-understand half-vibe-half-human hybrid of a Python code that does lots of algorhytmic,monotoneous work you'd be stupid to do by yourself in times of rapidly evolving AI technology. I had my pro version of Cursor (primarily counting on established Anthropic models) create a desktop app that is easy to use and saves time--a hell of a lot. I checked the code several times an kept it in minimal fashion to make it accessible even for lay coders like myself. No that I know that it works almost flawlessly, it's ready for public.
The most important step within the entire project workflow needs human observation and evaluation; and this working step can be performed only by pushing big buttons on the screen of a Windows tablet or an iPad. Before I'll publish and distribute the code online, I'll try to convince people on the street that participation in the project might make sense and got the potential to embody decent illuminating work. I will, however, promote my ideas online as well, and once in a while publish news about the progressing work here in this blog as a written work theoretically understandeable by everyone who wants to understand. As something that needs human work for its intrinsic purpose, it hopefully gives my blogging something a highbrow AI can not serve.
So stick around and hopefully see you soon. Yours,
I woke up before midnight the other day, kept lying in bed for some time. About two hours later I got up and thought about the plan I had that made me start working on "Struggling with time...". That one I assume won't be finished in the time scheduled cuz I'm quite clueless these days. Even when I go out to run my own errands, the light is on and nobody's home. "Struggling with time..." will transfigure completely until I deem it done.
Since I don't get much or no feedback at all about my writings, I always have to pause, let thoughts settle and maybe even months later continue what I started. I'd actually like to finish each and every post that got a "Work in progress" icon; but work without decent feedback pretty much sucks after a few paragraphs. Very often I start certain works and after a few hours feel mentally paralyzed. Then I procrastinate a lot until I find my way back on track. The "Struggling with time..."-post is supposed, first, to structure my mind for the months to come
and, second, to create something everyone else but me can laugh about once
it's finished. But that's a different kettle of fish.
The post you're about to read briefly outlines to what extend Howard LaVeys "The Satanic Bible" is speciecist material. It's Sunday, the 18th of May, about two hours before midnight and I feel confident to publish the first paragraphs. But before you call the officials, be assured; this post is quite harmless. So don't feel frightened or shocked by the title. Just take your time and read it carefully without expecting shiver, tirades filled with hate or illicit Satanic propaganda, and the like. No, nothing of that sort; it's still a blog for lazy readers and I'll keep everything simple and understandable for whoever actually reads me. So, enjoy and be informed.
Hail Satan,.. for a start
When we find orientation and safety in a belief system, our own religions are always the right one; yes. But they are also always the good ones opposed to at least one other bad one. Most people in my environment – in case they have a religion – are Christians. That usually means God is all good and Heaven is the perfect place to dwell in for eternity. Then Satan is all evil and Hell for eternity is what you'd have to fight against throughout lifetime in order to not get there in the end. When you read LaVeys "The Satanic Bible" you wouldn't come to conclude that Satan was evil; and LaVey also mentions that the word "evil" is used to manipulate and control others (which, in my opinion, is absolutely correct. We always should keep in mind every time we think we have the right to judge). If you understand certain aspects of LaVey's ideology, you'd feel invited to become a Satanist in the LaVey-ian sense. The reading, however, doesn't fully promote the belief in something evil but in mankind as one species among all the others in the world we're living in (unlike the Torah/Pentateuch, which--per definition--is speciecist propaganda).
In his writing LaVey is having a struggle with Christianity, the Catholic Church being the questionable counter institution of his own church. That's why I'm with him in many ways, at least when it comes to animal rights, even if his fundamental ideology has other flaws that make it outdated in our contemporary Western world. I'll put the scope of this post on animal rights and, that way, leave the rest of the reading to yourself, so that my opinion about it isn't that thought-consuming.
Like the Jewish community and the Christian bastards have ethical sentences such as the ten commandments, LaVey Satanism is based on the Eleven Rules of the Earth and The Nine Satanic Statements that shall provide orientation within the belief system. I'll go step by step and outline those ethical sentences of the Satanic Bible that put animal life in the equation and/or are relevant sentences for the work of animal rights activists. So, I'll stop being unnecessarily wordy and keep my comments in italic letters. The post is pretty much designed like a written version of those YouTube reaction videos in which HipHop afficcionados comment on songs of genres they've never listened to before. Seems to be the best option to keep an overview. So, enough introduction--let's go:
The Eleven Rules of the Earth in the eye of the animal rights activist
1. Do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked.
If you've ever been engaged in animal rights activism you've already found out that you make not the slightest step forward for the animals when you're not eager to fight [in the metaphorical way, of course] and step on some speciecists feet. You sometimes have to be pushy and you lose all of your battles most of the time if you don't start them yourself; cuz speciecists tend to throw around self-indulgent allegations and utterances that promote ignorance when they talk themselves into believing that they were right. For instance, they tell you why they "think" it's okay to regularly consume meat or dairy. So, #1 of the rules is not quite helpful and feels pretty much as if your priest simply tells you to shut the fuck up. So, my advice no one ever asked for is that you should make sure your voice gets heard; and for that you definitely need the right setting and the right medial representation. That, by the way, is the only reason why I'm presently pausing my being an animal rights activist on the streets; it can be quite exhausting. In the past year, I permanently saw long-time animal activists being sad and maybe even frustrated when they feel they're not making a difference....
2. Do not tell your troubles to others unless you are sure they want to hear them.
That's right. I had the experience that you're better off finding good friends for such occasions and not shrinks you have to pay for. The same sort of people--yes, friends--are necessary for animal rights activism; don't pay too much people to help you achieve your goals. Find idealists who can actually give something of their precious time. Not everyone is always having much resources to support your case, even if they wanted. Search less for money, ask for more time, if you want success as an activist. You're not asking for my opinion? Well, bad luck, I'll tell you anyway; you won't get that fixed. #1 is still dog poop :D
5. Do not make sexual advances unless you are given the mating signal.
Yeah, fair point. Guys, if you want to fuck your animal like so-called dog moms might do, be assured that what you think are signals--are definitely signals. As animal rights activist we always encounter the problem that animals can't talk and it needs experts who did proper research on animal behavior to not get things wrong. I personally only popped my parrot once cuz he repeatedly said "I wanna do you so bad, you little fucker". After our intercourse he went back to the cookie sentence and never asked for sex again. That made me think.
8. Do not kill non-human animals unless you are attacked or for food.
Well,.. If you haven't read The Satanic Bible you wouldn't fully grasp that LaVey Satanism would be the ideal religion if each and everyone of us would live in cages or lairs, as LaVey usually calls his residence. Since I'm back on track with my vegan lifestyle I myself count on bringing back certain elements of the Stone Age--when it was on its peak thousands of years ago. But rule #8 is fully outdated when we take into account that we're living in a completely transfigured world where most people never meet threatening animals--not even in our woods. Of course your best beating the shit out of an attacking kangaroo when you roam around in the AUstralian bushes; and of course, it's you and not the animal whom you'd want to survive in a winter with only few resources of food. But hey, on the other hand, the LaVey Satanist tells us that we have to respect life and that we should be true and honest at least to ourselves. Now, take into account that everyone actually knows how animals are treated before they get slaughtered. Take into account that we surely know that in sum their lives aren't necessarily treated with respect or dignity in the world we're living in today. Take into account that in the Western world we do not live in the bushes where we would have to hunt in order to survive. So it can only be a sign of ignorance, hypocrisy and falsehood combined if we trade the hitman's business to our butchers and in the end buy our meat in the supermarket. (You get that one:) Then the informed contemporary Satanist [--if she ever respected life the way LaVey wants us to,... if she was ever true and honest to herself,... Then the sophisticated modern Satanist--] is vegan.
11. When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask him to stop. If he does not stop, destroy him.
Yeah, the first sentence of this rule could have been an excerpt from an animal rights activist's book: Most animals would live in peace and quiet if humans hadn't given themselves the rights to manipulate nature for their own ends. Bother no one, guys. The world was never ours to control. We made up every single one of our own rights and fully forgot that non-human animals can't do that for themselves. The first line of #11 is quite helpful. Forget the rest, by the way: Everyone can be annoying and we bother each other every single day. We call such phenomena discussions, having issues, having fights, and the like. Socializing is never easy but most of the time worth a little quarrel. The least helpful attitude in LaVeys Satanism is his controversial straight-forwardness combined with ignorance. If you follow LaVeys eleven rules blindfolded, you end up driving your Mercedes against a wall cuz you don't know any better...
I'm presently working on a few posts simultaneously; and the hardest one to manage currently is a post in which I outline how I intend to reobtain quality time with a friend that felt [and in some ways still feels] like my last remaining soulmate... I might have done many things wrong in the past that led that person to stay away from me; and it might have been my own ego that was constantly driven by a diabolically motivated, brutal and straight-forward approach that eventually kept her away from me. So, what I'd like to add here is that I might have ruined a great deal of my life by myself, when I yelled at the wrong people or when I "destroyed" the wrong fellows I was dealing with in the past. On top of that, I misinterpreted LaVey when I concluded that his teachings promoted honesty when he was actually just playing it straight. In other words, the Satanic Bible is definitely an open book; and I might simply have turned into a living copy of it when I played with an open hand every time I thought I could gain trust among fellows of more or less the same belief system. It is not that easy, I figured; and up to this day I'm still the worst liar I can think of--which is hardly ever beneficial for myself. Eventually I have to conclude that honesty shouldn't be mixed up with naivity; and that LaVeys Satanism provides only a few good ideas that are worth sharing; it's definitely not the best or at least not the only guide to walk through life. But let's have a look at the other ethical sentences and then get back to the speciecist questions. Shall we? Yes? Great.
The Nine Satanic Statements in the eye of the animal rights activist
1. Satan represents indulgence instead of abstinence!
You're not helping, Satan; not helping at all! That particular message people got far too often. There is no point in emphazising on that one: There are millions of fat people in this world, losers that watch five porn movies each day for decades, rich people that drive around their loud, environment-polluting cars just for fun each and every day. Abstinence once in a while can be quite virtuous, sis. #1 of the Statements is in so far noteworthy in the case for anti-speciecism cuz people really can't get enough of their daily pleasures and a counter movement of slight asceticism might come in handy for all of us, sometimes,.. I think: We do not only eat meat, we definitely still eat too much of it, telling ourselves meals such as a Wienerschnitzel, a BigMac or chicken wings are worth the mass-killing; horrible... The most detrimental animal torture humans create through mass-producing meat. "Producing meat" is harsh enough to utter since it implies that we all treat animals as commodities and, thereby, exclude almost all of other species from lives that could otherwise be full of dignity, balance and harmony. A well-balanced minimal lifestyle is the answer--not indulgence, suckers, at least not the way your friend Howard puts it.
2. Satan represents vital existence instead of spiritual pipe dreams.
Yes, Satan. That's the one. I'd be your whore for lifetime if that was the only thing you'd conduct. Let's come to grips with reality and don't tell people fantasy stories that make them believe that snakes are evil creatures when in fact they are simply aggressive and appear cruel when they are hungry as hell and definitely need to eat. Be a scientist, Satan; I love that one.
3. Satan represents undefiled wisdom instead of hypocritical self-deceit.
Again, yes Satan, Hell yeah; you're driving home the point.
There is no god?.... There is no hope?.... Yeah, ... that's my conviction; but still--who am I to judge? As if I ever knew..., as if I hadn't given up every conviction sooner or later. As if I hadn't once thought that mere belief could be good enough for myself and later found out it's all useless.
Of course, it's not that easy...
The approach of a scientist
To start with, I count on science and rigorously draw a fat line between religion and science to outline the difference. But as a scientist, my view can only be an agnostic one, never a religious view, never a view of an atheist--since we have neither evidence of the presence of supernatural beings nor evidence of its/her/his//their absence. You can even put science next to religion, arguing that everything bases on belief; and you'd start your argument, for instance, by mentioning the fact that the Big Bang Theory is only a theory--and you'd be right. Then the scientist's arrogance stems from the regular "miracles" that give her, it or him reason to believe. The last prophecy that made me a believer of science is when the little men in my TV could tell me precisely that one day amid a summer day the sky will turn dark for fife minutes: Once you saw an eclipse you have an easy time believing what they told you in school.
Well... Flat Earthers who have heard of CGI have a different struggle going on. If NASA are the bad ones and no man has ever been to the moon, we're all fucked and the Flat Earthers will be our future scientists. I still deem the comeback of Your lord Jesus Christ more plausible...
But, you know, scientists are not afraid of doing away with all once-precious theories if they show too many flaws when data points in a different direction. And that means our knowledge is never absolute or law-binding. Our opinions and conclusions quite often count as much as everyone else's opinion – at best. However, we may be more resourceful and more convincing. You remain best informed if you stay critical.
The approach of a philosopher
The vague philosophical access that I try to playfully put into my writings do have a different purpose. When I put philosophical content in the mix, I usually want to give you a decent change of perspective, so that you don't get stuck in bad habits and old-fashioned narratives that may have paralyzed your mind in the ubiquity of mainstream society. Philosophy can serve in three ways:
Above science – as a measurement that is supposed to provide an overview
On one level with sciences – as one little brotherly scholarship next to the arts and humanities, science and maybe even theology
And below – as a servant to the sciences. In this position, the tools of philosophy shall help the sciences develop "consciously" and well-thought-outly.
The approach of an artist? Hopefully not!
I personally am definitely not like most people, and I do not look and present myself like "normal" people. Some people, therefore, might think that I take it as a compliment when they call me an artist. But that means something totally different to me cuz if I am an artist, then being an artist is a curse. It means that I'm excluded from society; that I have to stay alone; that I'm permanently defined by the interpretations of others and that I, therefore, have to be misunderstood to serve a purpose that keeps me highly frustrated--albeit wishing to determine my role in this world by myself.
...and then, yes, it also means that I regularly do things "ordinary" folks wouldn't dare to do and, therefore, enjoy life for certain moments more than others. Then, yes, it also means that I sometimes get the best drugs and--high on such drugs--create pieces of art that appear out-of-the-box thought-provoking. But, you know,... life is useless since art ruined my life; and it pretty much feels as if that is what curators and other creepy advocates of art want to convey. The most impressive artists usually kill themselves; and I now understand why.
Everyone who's called an artist is doing the wrong guys in this hypocritical world a favor if she or he ends her or his life earlier than necessary. Make sure they never call you an artist. Never in a thousand years should you come up with the thought, "Hey, I want to be an artist." You wouldn't want that if you knew what that means. That profession is polluted with narratives you couldn't handle once you got the image of an artist. Tell yourself, "I want to be a drug dealer, I want to be a rapist, I want to be a pedophile, I want to be a nazi, I want to be serial killer, I want to be a crack whore, I want to be a child molester, I want to be a flat earther, I want to be a piss porn actor, I want to be a corpse fucker". Whatever else may sound pleasant to you, just never think about becoming an artist. Otherwise, you'll lose your girl, your friends, your happiness; you'll lose everyone whose company used to make you happy. I will definitely keep the approach of an artist out of the equation whenever I can...just to give purpose to that tiny piece of self-respect I conjured up lately in a lonesome hour. Maybe it helps to stay a little longer.
In part 2 I'll type down a few thoughts about an easy reading that I put into mind an estimated twenty years ago. Most of the book's content got stuck in my mind since I read it in English and in German within a few months. Since there weren't many other books I swallowed back then it had quite an impact on me. However, just like most religious books I wouldn't fancy reading it again; cuz it's not that good, not that much of a wisdom creator and doesn't fully display how the belief in evil can guide the way we walk thru life... at least not in the long run.....
Guys, I'm currently in a little fix, which is why I havern't written much lately. But I try to get back on track and be prolific. If there is a noteworthy demand, I'll record an audio version of my first blogpost collection (It's not supposed to hurt)
[ILink to audio version will be put here--if demanded frequently]
But whatever I'll create these days, here is what I'd like to type down: I found out that none of you guys would ever tell me that my writings sometimes suck. I have no idea why you think that honestly telling me such things would be bad.... I also don't blame my bestie for being not precise or overly caerful when doing the peer review for me. He as a teacher who usually corrects writings of fourteen-year-olds. So, his regularly readings might affect his own use of English in the long run; which is why he doesn't see most of my hardly ever reviewed content. Nevertheless, I would not have been mad at you guys if you had told me 😅.
I counted an estimated 20 Germanisms, dozens of wrong prepositions, spelling errors and one word that doesn't even exist in the English language... all that in the first post I reviewed myself. Maybe I should not have published that shit in my cannabis-influenced midlife crisis😆. Nonetheless, I'm just hoping the other seven posts are not that infested with "Austrish" expressions. For future events, I simply shouldn't tell anyone that this is the blog of an alleged English translator😜
Also, I need to thank all of you for forwarding the link of the penultimate post of the "It's not supposed to hurt"-series to other people...
Today's post is kinda the beginning of a new blogging season. What I'll do and haven't done in the first season is put two mindsets in the mix that I'd love to keep in my mental emergency kit. One is against pressure during psychotic episodes, the other is so that I won't kiss the front of a driving train; no joke, by the way; I'm far from fine these days. I added an iambic poem to this first post; and I still don't kmow it by heart yet. There'll be an audio version of this poem. The link will be put below the poem, in case you want to hear it with an emotional component in addition.
Important information in advance:
If you want to serve these words below to definitely vulnerable folks who may need it, make sure you rearrange the verses 61, 62 and 63 as put here:
61: There is our god/There are our gods; and there is hope 62: And all your wounds might mend 63: And.. instead of But 64: Your or My instead of the original article (which [I think] is The);
The lines of the original version are definitely pernicious for many, which is why you have to be careful when sharing this prayer. I'll nonetheless never sue you for sharing particularly this poem. But I assume sticky, informed others will bring about troubles and might even drag you into a hell comparable to mine if you make money with it or if you put something in the mix that changes its positive and maybe even lifesaving effect. That, by the way, is the only purpose these lines have. I'm the only one who knows that; because I wrote it myself.
That clarified, let us all creep down to the floor in modest adoration to the empirical sciences, that up to this day still can't tell us what to do, only what we can, and maybe what we want.* Let us all pray to our certainly creator-less universe while we still question everything we say:
Sacra convictio hominis sui ipsius cogitantis
I am convinced
that each and every child born into this world is in its very nature good, innocent and pure
but through negative imprint of all sorts gets bullshit shat into its skull
I want to believe from the bottom of my once tender, now sick and darkened heart
that once bullshit got into our skulls
there is a way to get it out of there again
and from what is accessible to the human mind
I think that once we got it out of there
there is no point in shittin' in there again
Amen
That little prayer is not half as funny as the first person I showed it thought it would be. If there is no conviction that I can keep, the most dominant today is that my own life could have evolved better and faster if people – good or bad, if we ever knew the difference – hadn't stuck to bullshitting kids and then continued bullshitting adults.
Let's start soft: When I try to convince people of all ages as an animal rights activist today about the advantages of a vegan lifestyle I usually don't reach new fellows easily. I'm still struggling staying polite and reserved every time guys step in front of me and just then feel the urge to tell me that they like the taste of meat. My so far least frustrating response to that helpless utterance is "Yah, everyone says that. Why is it important when YOU say it?" But I can't bring that one any longer. It's an unfair thing to say to everyone who doesn't have much self-confidence or wasn't in for a serious but mud-infested debate. Making others shut up with logic, provocation or doubt doesn't help any suffering pig in the slaughter houses; I'd say such things only for myself; only to feel righteous and untouchable in the moment without ever making a difference.
However, I myself do like the taste of meat. If meat wasn't murder to me, it would be bacon every day. Changing your diet, managing a vegan diet in the long run helps a lot if you want less animals to suffer, if you want less animals to die.
You'd stick to your vegan diet, because it can be done easily without having yourself suffer instead of other animals, without yourself living unhealthy, but with yourself feeling better and healthier. On top of that, you even can't frustrate the egomaniac in you; you could act altruistically unknowingly.
But no one who isn't already just as crazy vegan as I am, would get all that. If I ever thought, people come to the same conclusions as I do, when they get the same spoon feeding, I would no longer think that. Throw following irrevocably accessible thoughts at a convinced omnivore to realize that facts don't work:
- I also do like the taste of meat. - I don't need meat to be healthy or to become or stay strong. - We wouldn't have problems with nutrition if we didn't eat meat, dairy or eggs. - There are a thousand other things just as available as meat that taste great, are cheap, are healthier than every kind of meat, dairy product or egg. - If you ate two halves of chicken last week and haven't eaten a bite of chicken this week, one chicken less got killed this week and you'd safe 52 each week if you figured that out solely for one year. - The libido recuperates if you stick to healthy vegan choices. - Cholesterol is a problem of the past. - Most of the animal products you habitually use are not healthy options and can easily be replaced with healthier products. - You also ignore and deny human feelings when you turn a blind eye to those who "produce meat" for you. - Never in my life have I ever thought "Oh my goodness, this steak
was worth the kill. Eating meat is an irreplaceable source for my inner
peace. It's essential soul food that tells me that life is good; I
couldn't live without it. My own existence is in danger if I don't have
schnitzel every week. That is what I fear; I'm dead-serious. "
After wasting your energy by carefully putting such arguments on the table, you'd then release your provoked listener with the emancipating words: "This is all that I can tell you. Now decide for yourself". Whoever tried to listen won't give a goddamn fuck.
If you really want such arguments count, if you ever want people to give up unrefelected traditions, you'd sooner or later try to inculcate your lies to nullify the established ones that got stuck. But Sancho Pansa shot Rosinante last time I desperately fought dragons; and if I don't want another horse get killed, I have to take a windmill for what it is. And that means: Don't approach an established collective conservatism with a far-fetched individual liberalism. If people kept telling each other that there is a bearded man in the sky for five thousand years, you'd have a hard time telling them three thousand years later that sins are forgiven when you eat that old fag's lamb. Six hundred years later many would be fairly suspicious about everything alleged in the past, still thinking it was wise to let a cow bleed out cuz it might keep a devout man from meeting a supernatural goat who lives below the earth's surface.
We are not much smarter fourteen hundred years later. Most people don't make a fuss of that mindblowing past and sanguinically share much more than fantasy stories with an open-hearted world, not knowing that those words will be burned beyond recognition by the next stupid megacrowd that will kill and torture to make their way of life count exclusively. That's a given if we don't learn from history.
Since I'm with vegan activists, I try not to turn away from the hatred and ignorance animals have to endure each day. We observe the killing and the torture daily, no matter whom or what we're looking at; and we tell those psychopaths surrounding us that we accept their attitudes, their opinions, their murders. Fortunately, our vegan serenity automatically kicks in before we exhaust our own patience with the world. Fortunately, exclusive collectivisms always bring about advantages for those included. As a result, most Austrian specicists are extremely friendly and kind; they pet us like puppies with their own kindness, so much they would have left.
I would love to exclude myself from society for this chapter. I'm not good being alone until it's done, but why would I count votes when precisely that is s what's making freaks like me shut up helplessly. That, however, isn't solely me being a vegan. No. I just felt like expressing my contempt. I just picked political content twelve-years-old kids understand, hoping to make my point clear.
I get very little of how others think cuz days are gone when people talk thoughtfully to me. Feeling lost and helpless, not feeling understood, not finding answers to questions I keep asking only myself, envisaging and anticipating true friendship and love without any sign of plausibility... it's just fucking dark in here; and music helps best to enlighten the mood. I usually have my iphone and earpods fully charged cuz great songs sooth most; and of course, my own songs would never do the trick. But if you'd love to tell yourself something prayer-like that you could inhale by heart in a dark hour, here's what I thought might work when everything appears lost (even if you're always better off calling a friend or loved one instead:). You'd have to repeat it some day when you're good so you'll know it by heart once you're fucked. Note the last line first, whatever else you wanted to do next.
Di sisco in dubiosum
You're waiting for the morning train, don‘t really want to move That life was more than mental pain You cannot fully prove Cuz loneliness is drowning all the thoughts that make you smile and why you shouldn't end it all You're asking for a while Cuz every time you see the range of life you realize, when there is nothing you can change, it all ends in despise. Then they would tell that pain was just a source to understand You know that's shit--no need to trust; just face the world at hand. The suff'ring [then] you're going through is useless and absurd, the shit they preach not turning true just cuz that's all you've heard
So, life's like hell, you might conclude you better hit that train You're helpless, dumb, practically nude You wish to end the pain
But here is what you didn't know You're dead and here's the end. All over , done, before you thought You don't need to pretend And when you say "That's what I thought" but haven't thought at all. Then this is where you end up caught: You scream before you fall. If ever anything was clear it's that you're feeling lost and feelings might just disappear they don't come with a cost. So, here's the way, here's where you go Here's what life is/was about: What's going on no one would know, you'd want to find that out
So, quick, give in but do not mourn for things you haven't done Count thousand girls/friends you haven't met when all you want is one You had a plan before you cried Right now you shouldn't care Of thousand things you've never tried Pick one you now would dare Cuz once you thought, you can't do that Well, now you really can Give it a try, without regret And try it once again.
The jump's the end, we got that far Now have a decent walk Make sure you get to role a splith and find a girl/mate/pal/friend to talk Just never pray these lines again still thinking we were smart We simply fucked ourselves this time said [that] life was never hard. Still, there's no god, there is no hope and you will not ascend But everything can happen if this is not the end.
Okay, I owe the following lines those of you who reacted panickly lately. For those of you who forgot what I'm like without pharmaceuticals: crying is one of the good signs; the loud voice stays, running up and down stays, yes I talk now, but you'll get used to it. Other than that, I wanted to finish the prayer above to make you feel okay. I'm safe and I'm not bored. I just took my time with something that is hard to digest; I just hope I didn't shy away anyone of you in the meantime. Don't ask me where the hell my newly discovered will to live coomes from. After crying for a week, I woke up yesterday telling myself: "Bro, you're old as fuck, but you can still manage to do each and every thing you had planned for your life; all within reach; nothing lost. You're getting there..." ...and now I feel stupid thinking I was ever lost. This anti-suicide poem kept me occupied for months since I thought I'd sooner or later actually need those words... usually when I get to the point when I stop talking to people and then realize when suiciadal ideas specify. I first thought that I'd not do that, but in the aftermath I felt surprised as usual what deep thoughts can trick me in a moment one day that appear stupid, joke-like andridiulous in a future moment the other day.. Which is why I want to tell that I'm currently very happy with my life, always have been and always will be. I'm nevertheless, so much more alone than anyone of you and I don't expect you to understand that this is all you need to know. I really wouldn't tell you if I ever killed myself but it would be okay if I did; and that is not a harsh or unbelievable thing to write. I don't see it coming soon; right now I'd be stupid to put it in perspective; but I've been there, knowing that a mix of courage, desperation, and the accompanied, pressing thought of paranoia (that easily put my thoughts next to myself) make me do things I can't necessarily control; and then it's good to know that it affects no fucking one else but myself. Before all that might ever happen, chances are high, I first get inadvertently shot molesting widows in the park. Then I died doing what I loved or doing whom I thought would have liked it. In other words, don't forget that I'm nuts all the time.
Remarks to "Di sisco in dubiosum"
I wouldn't recommend praying this poem word by word. I'd rather you found your own words that keep you from doing stupid things. The prayer, when understood emotionally, shall function as a reset button,... a turning point before you start from scratch. First, you end your old life, then you accept that you're already dead; and then you check the sources you have for your new life.
Considering how easy it was today adding the rest of the lines, I want to conclude that the worst is over when in fact I have no idea what my metabolically fucked-up body will let me go through next month. It has been, I dunno, seven or eight months since I had to stop taking medication. Of course, the bastard thoughts reappear. Of course, my thoughts are no longer orderly explained. Of course, I'm back stammering, Of course, I'm back running around frantically, running away from friends who trigger me mentally. But that's okay. It's all okay. You wouldn't understand if I didn't tell you, but I'm feeling healthier with every day. I remember regularly feeling subdued and shut-off the last ten years, when I took my daily medication. But I wouldn't have noticed the difference between now and then if the pills hadn't brought about the crippling side effects that made me stop swalowong them.
I know that people now turn even more away when they can't cope with me. I would nonetheless no longer be open for therapy that implies pharmaceuticals--not because it was bad categorically; because in retrospective it pretty much felt like waking up from a coma and getting more and more of my life back with every day abscent of pills. The illness is now evident and visible, never dangerous for others.
About chapter 2
I thought a lot about what I could write this season, thinking that girl stories are an easy thing for me but an unpleasant thing for women who cherish their privacy. Friends who might have liked a decent reading last season should not have felt shot at when they read with whom I may have been in cahoots with fifteen years ago. But they certainly felt that way without ever telling me. I definitely missed feedback and blame my past topic choice. But I really wanted to get that old girl stuff off my chest and am happy having taught myself how to deal with sometimes critical content. But privacy won't be an issue in chapter 2 either.
There are too many things I can't articulate about the prophet Muhammed since I don't intend to mince my words with fear of people who could get my words wrong. I'll rest in the green with discussions about stereotypes and don't dig deep when I mention the Quran or Islam. Otherwise I'd design a bloodbath of allegations. Instead, I'll tell pathetic Jesus Christ jokes, ridicule Howard LaVeys Satanic Bible from the perspective of an animal rights activist, and vividly explain why Buddhism is not a mere world view but a religion that lazily uses marketing to attract hippies. But the Buddhists will get away easily simply because Pamela Anderson is an outstanding Buddhist vegan I'd love to meet one day.
I deem it useful to share a few thougths and express a few ideas about a topic that used to consume me. However, I'm pretty much done with religion, gave it far too much importance in the past, far too much value to estimate friends who couldn't care less, and I fooled myself for ages thinking I could ever fall for religious doctrine. But just like I was obsessed with the girls I wrote about in chapter one, I was obsessed with religion for quite some time after ending with my metal band. I assume, chapter two will tell you about my brainwashed youth in a conservative and seemingly fascist Roman Catholic "family", a long-year interest phase marked by writings of Judaism, the Quran, and stories of Siddharta.
As a trustworthy scientist I would have to reflect belief, faith and religion from an uncompromisingly agnostic angle due to the fact that there is no scientific "evidence" for or against the existence of supernatural beings.
I'm outlining my case as a liberal, an atheist and an animal rights activist. I want this chapter to be good but barely expect readers this time. For a reason: The topic is always controversial, which is precisely why I picked it, knowing that I'd write carefully informed about content that far too many feel afraid to write about. No idea however, who--except me--will want to read that...
Allright.
love you guys.
Michael 🐢
*Objektität sozialwissenschaftlicher und sozialpolitischer Erkenntnis – Max Weber
* eventuell auch erwähnt in der Kritik der praktischen Vernunft – Immanuel Kant (Quelle: ChatGPT)
Alrighty then. Fuck, my brain hurts... Since I gave up weed, I smoke at least three packages of Chesterfield Blue per day and for now I would lie if I told you that quitting weed was easy. Next to weed I also tempered out a few pharmaceutical bonbons that lately brought about a mix of cramps and constraints in my lower jaw that sometimes made me want to kill myself. Almost ascetically, ignoring the mentioned cancer sticks, I'm now coping with highly uncomfortable depression and I'm overwhelmed, almost flabergasted, with the feelings and thoughts that come with the cold turkey. Those my little demons definitely don't stem from the weed but from the missing pills, my head is longing for. But I'm still contemplating going back to weed due to those hellish depressions that I can't get rid of. Plus, weed used to shut off my brain and helped me fall asleep. The sleeping pills that I still use as on-demand medicines help me through the night, but they are far too strong; my heart beats like a fucking Black Metal drummer and I constantly swallow water to give my tortured body something healthy to work with. In a nutshell, life sucks these days and since I cannot sleep and my friends are gone, I hope writing helps. So, let's give it a try...
Before I start, I'd love to apologize to those who read the manuscript of the last post before my best friend did the peer review. With him I usually go through stuff that is absolutely crazy and can be too much for beginners, however patient and truth-loving the reader. In other words, sometimes my writings appear as if Hitler wrote it. That happens a lot when I'm manic and in future events I would love to show you even the deepest of my thoughts--just not like Hitler did. My friend and I decided to teach madness gently. So we had to delete a few lines that were inappropriate and simply not funny, at least for people who don't know me. But there is something that I would like to write down in advance, whether you like it or not...
I hope you've read my past posts and still feel like reading, cuz I tried really hard to keep my fucked-up worldview appear funny and entertaining. I sometimes do that by showcasing foul and provocative language, making remarks that are not always polite--locker room talk, Donald Trump would say. And here I need to clarify why I do that. In my opinion, cherry-picking won't bring me or anyone honest in this world any further. And only listening to the things, thoughts, and ideas we wanna hear is just that--cherry picking. To understand how other people think and feel, we sometimes have to confront ourselves with not-so-pleasant ways of expressing emotions, and--admit it--we often turn away when people say or do things that we don't want to confront ourselves with; we're being lazy and ignorant. So, face it, the big problems we're dealing with today are not easy to explain; and the same is to say about the solutions we have to find. We're all, to a certain extent, facing hardship in life and we want simple solutions to complicated problems; we want easy answers to hard questions; but that is just wishful thinking. Life can be a pain in the arse. And so we have phenomena like Donald Trump in the US and right-wing populists like Herbert Kickl in Austria who--through fear-mongering--preach simple but understandable racism and xenophobia to people in rural areas where there are almost no foreigners, black people, turks, or whoever present. But those people nowadays make up a third of the voters in our country; and you're fooling yourself if you think that we can ignore these manipulated 33 percent any longer. It makes sense to neglect the interests of the politicians those people vote for since they are assholes, but we mustn't neglect the real and understandable problems these 33 percent of the voters might have to deal with,... and--as much as you would love to do differently--we have to have our serious conversations with each and every one of them if we don't want our world views to polarize. Just so much.
Now, locker room talk is not a right-winger phenomenon. Boys do it all the time. We never perform it in offices, schools, universities, family meetings or feminist meetings--thank god (if that fucker exists); we hardly ever print it on our shirts, but we always let it out it in bars, on the streets, in warehouses, on construction sides, during our lunch breaks, during our cigarette breaks, during sex, during our strolls through the park, when we pass around a sativa joint in a sausage-party-like setting, and of course, in the locker room. But girls, don't be mad at us if we do that, cuz here is how it works--no mansplaining: When we average boys talk openly among men only, we let our hormones do the talking; we let it all out; we send our demons further South AND THEN walk towards nice ladies we wish to chat with in the North and try to be as kind as possible, cuz we think that you're far more sensitive than we are; we simply don't want to be the assholes we can be, right in front of you. If you want an asshole as a lover, fine; forbid locker room talk; I'm convinced he'll let it out on you. But don't fool yourself into thinking that nice guys don't talk like that; they sometimes do... and every dude who alleges that he doesn't and would never do is a hypocrite.
In 2016, the famous pussy grabber video appeared only days before the election in the US. Democrats back then thought that this "scandal" would be a game-changer in the elections to come. The fact that the appearance of the video in mainstream media didn't have an impact on the election pretty much proves my point. Donald Trump, back then, did exactly what I explained to you right now; and just like today, back then no one truly gave a fuck but a few hat knitters who made a profit of this fly-by-night left-wing campaign.
Okay, that felt like yelling. How are you? Still reading? Cuz I am still asking myself the question whether I shall publish these lines or not. But my friends always say that I can't be anyone's friend, so I'll have to risk it, even if it means you won't read me any longer.
...Nothing to discuss,
there are always two paths
but only one that you pass
And if you grasp that bit
it means you don't give a shit;
and sometimes that hurts.
Cuz that means above
you disappoint those you love
and that no one will suss
that for your own sake
you sometimes walk through broken glass...
Lyrics quote translated from the German original "Scherben" by Daniel Wirtz from the album "Erdling" (2009)
Well, now it's out. Enjoy the read.
NO! One more thing: don't confuse locker room talk with hate speech. You'll come across hate speech in all sorts of social media sources and if you want those conversations with right-wingers that I'd want you to have, you will be confronted with hate speech as well. Even try to get used to such violent rants but don't copy or utter them in any way. Don't condone them and report them whenever they appear in social media. And when being confronted with such slurs in your private conversations, make sure you'll do everything possible to get that hatred out of your opponents system before you continue with the argument/discussion. Just a hint: Remain calm, praise him or her for the honest, sometimes even smart and understandable points he or she mentioned before the rant, and finally express in a soothing voice what bad things might happen if we utter, repeat or share hate speech.
When you have a crush on your English teacher (2/2)
So, as I've told you in the first part of the story, I didn't pass Wacholder's classes. I remember spending my days in a hostel in quaint Ljubljana, Slovenia during the semester break, where I had a few days left to score on my blogwriting, which counted about 5 percent of the final grade in Wacholder's classes. I wrote a lot in the hostel, hoping to be sufficient this time, thought the few lines I wrote in Ljubljana would make a difference, then missed the deadline to submit, and a few hours later got the information that I didn't pass.
But I wasn't disappointed, cuz failing STEOP English classes with Wacholder, pretty much meant that I can go to her classes the year to follow. In other words, I got plenty of time--not only to be prepared for future classes but to do everything in advance to impress Wacholder the next time we would meet and chat.
Talking about chatting with Wacholder, there was only one single event where we would talk "unter vier Augen" (eng.: among four eyes, which technically means where we would talk eye-to-eye when no one else but the two of us is around); and it was not a private conversation; it was a professional meeting in her office. She then solely did her job as a teacher, giving each of her students the opportunity to chat with her eye-to-eye about individual language learning issues, thereby preparing us students for the upcoming progress-check. I used that conversation for exactly that purpose, but in the same time I was hoping, dreaming and fantasising that she'd want to have a private conversation on which I could build on mentally and emotionally. Unfortunately, the only two things she mentioned about her private life was first, that she is vegan, and second, that she likes books (and that books might help me personally to improve my skills as a language learner). And that was all I needed to go nuts on myself:
My thought was that if I really wanted to impress a woman that for the moment is totally out of my league and doesn't consider me a potential lover,... if I really wanted to impress such a women, I would have to change myself entirely, not only for her but for myself. And for those of you who say that's madness or even plain stupid, let me explain by telling you what I changed throughout a year without ever suffering and without the idea of not being myself.
1. Going vegan
When I left her office--by the way, totally enchanted cuz of her being funny, smart, kind, sexy, mysterious and thoughtful within ten minutes of a conversation with me,... when I left that office, I became vegan, not the other day but immediately 😂. From that moment on, I would cancel all kind of food that is in any way responsible for animal suffering--so I thought. But let me explain a few paragraphs later. First, let me tell you about the mindset that made me turn vegan so easily.
The next few paragraphs introduce you to my views and experiences about what I think is real and responsible veganism and what people perceive as veganism; views and experiences that I think are worth sharing. If you're not interested in the topic or the feelings of people like me, skip the following three paragraphs; they're not made for you. ...and if you can't count till three, just go fuck yourself.
First, let's or let me define veganism, so that we're on the same page. Uncompromising veganism is an ethical movement and a philosophical or at least ideological approach that abstains from any kind of behaviour that through your own conscious micro-political choices leads to unnecessary animal suffering. I know, plants also have measurable feelings--fact--but I haven't found a way out of that particular hell yet. Veganism takes plants out of the equation and so do I when I preach it in my writings. Anyway, the ideal motivation to go vegan is one that bases on respect for life and the feelings of other animals. Practical veganism is by any means always compromising but there are millions of things every single individual can do to walk in the right direction, performing veganism in the real not so utopian world.
And here I'm not trying to convince you. Just a few examples of what veganism isn't: condoning bull fights, condoning palm oil production even if the economy of your country doesn't depend on it, shooting animals for sports, keeping animals other than cats and dogs as pets, buying unhealthy products from the obviously green-washed "vegan" industry, using dairy products regularly when plenty of other more healthier resources are available for the same price, buying fish from the ocean or using plastic or more plastic than necessary (for instance for food that can be packaged differently)...the list is endless.
When I, back in the day, considered myself a vegan, I did many things wrong. For instance, I used the wrong products for nutrition. That's why throughout six years of thinking that I was a decent vegan, I gained about 40 kilos (basically fat) with the food I ate. I became fatigue and in the end, I had to give in and continued eating meat, basically cuz I couldn't get enough human-like proteins for my muscles. Working in an office instead of performing physical labor would also bring about health issues that I couldn't accept. I had to think of my own health, even if it meant that I had to demand chicken meat in stores.
But the idea to go vegan was a choice that I don't regret. In these six years I was true to myself, not ignoring the fact that many animal species suffer cuz of the ignorant, most powerful, most complacent animal species in our contemporary world... and there are still a thousand right reasons left to go back to veganism, not only for the fantastic chic I would have loved to rock all night, but for myself.
2. Reading books
To start with, if a pal or whoever says "Read a book", he or she in a flourishing way (dt. durch die Blume) tells you that you're stupid and work is necessary to change that; no hard feelings. The problem with books nowadays is that every stupid mothafucka has the resources to write a book. That's a problem we may have since the invention of the book press in the 15th century. Since that period of time, propaganda can be easily spread through readings and even in creating what Benedict Anderson calls imagined communities, mass-produced writings play a vital role. The good thing about books is that if you use them wisely, they're like silent friends who are not mad at you if you put them away--and if you put them away, you have all the time in the world to make up your own mind whether what you just read was bullshit or not. But you don't need that knowledge to enjoy reading a good book. In fact, sometimes reading books can be joyful only if you consume them without too much thinking-breaks in between. A good example for that are the world-famous and Nobel Prize winning South American so-called magical realism writings of García Marquez and Allende. If you read them without too much thinking in between you may dive in a world that is absurd and unreal, fantastic and mind-blowing. In García Marquez's case, while you're diving in there, you even come to grips with South American history, such as the exploitation of banana trusts in Columbia or wars between liberal and conservative movements that changed South American society.
I didn't pick such books in the beginning of my year-long reading mission. I first read a wide-spread German version of the Old Testament, a German interpretation of the Holy Quran and Herman Hesse's Buddha novel, hoping that by reading such material I would find the right religion, at least for myself. That didn't work out, by the way. The opposite was the case. I drove myself crazy by trying to find solutions for an issue even the smartest people in the world haven't found solutions yet... and here is how I fared:
I concluded that the written traditions of holy books, especially those of the three major monotheistic religions, are too radical and intolerant towards other usually older and now extinct beliefs and if you start believing that your chosen religion is the only right one, you're very likely to wish that you are part of the chosen people and that you sooner or later legitimate violence, killing, even genocide towards different-thinking tribes once you're convinced that everything you do, you do in the name of the super-natural being you want to believe in; history proves me right manifold. But that I personally came to conclude that I don't need to believe in gods or one particular god doesn't mean that we should give up religions entirely. It just means that religious institutions nowadays have a great deal of work and progressive reformation and interpretation in front of them if they want to serve mankind as a whole in our contemporary world. They can do that by permanently acting out of love and compassion towards others in their temples, churches and mosque associations; and they can do it in exchange with atheists by letting only arguments count that are accessible in both world views, the religious and the atheistic.
If you want to make writings of Christian mythology count for everyone, you can do that by something I usually condemn, which is cherry-picking. Pick everything from the teachings of Jesus Christ that goes hand in hand with all other world views that claim to be egalitarian, loving and peaceful and no one will question your beliefs. Get that right and you may even get followers for what even the Roman Catholic Church got right in the first place. Things like praying as a source of meditation, choir concerts in churches, letting kids in school draw pictures of Jesus during a rave party where five loafs of bread and two fish were sufficient catering for the entire crowd*.... such things.
About the Islamic world I know fairly little and integrating or even including muslim believers into Austrian society is something most Austrians, me included, can't handle with ease. Reading a German interpretation of the Holy Quran was not as fruitful as I was hoping since I couldn't understand what I personally couldn't believe in. And when I read that interpretation I also first came to conclude that cherry-picking might be at least part of the answer. But after reading Tom Harris' "Islam and the future of tolerance" and throughout the research for a scientific pro-seminar exercise at the university (using an Arabic and four English interpretations of the Holy Quran as primary sources), I realized that most liberal muslims, who consider Islam to be an egalitarian movement (which is the way I want to see it), wish the teachings of the Holy Quran to be understood as a whole; no cherry-picking. Well, if that is necessary, plus you want to calm down Austrian politicians like former FPÖ-candidate for presidency, Helmut Hofer--who during a TV discussion (with present president Sasha van der Bellen) asked for a standardized German version of the Quran to be used in Austria,... if you want all that... if you want a modern version of a book that permanently used to be criticised for being man-made, so let feminist approaches count and--doing that, render interpretations like Laleh Bakthiar's "The Sublime Quran" into your language and then recommend it to your local mosque associations to serve as a source we all can live with. Cuz face it: Every contemporary version of The Holy Quran, including all existing Arabic versions, is only an interpretation of what muslims believe is the ancient word of God/Allah**.
All the muslims I live with--no one excluded--are good from the bottom of their hearts and I don't fully get why right-wingers from the Austrian nazi party FPÖ still harrass them publicly. They wouldn't if they knew that in cities like mine muslims give to the poor, whether you're muslim, christian or atheist; and faithful muslims probably do that, I assume, because the Holy Quran asks them to do***
In a nutshell, reading one single book and then relying on that one as a source of wisdom in order to find my place in the world seemed unmanageable and ignorant to me--especially when it comes to religion. In that field of interest I had to read much in order to understand little... to understand what is accessible to the human mind; or as I'd interpret a popular line in a useful way:
[May the universe] grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom always to know the difference...
Splinters taken and slightly rearranged
Original source: "Slaugtherhouse Five"
by Kurt Vonnegut (1969)
Anyway, if I wanted to impress Wacholder the next year, I would have to read many page turners. Religion wasn't my tool to escape reality; I fell for fiction, Disney comics and detective novels. Between 2012 and 2013 I enjoyed well over a hundred books. Most of them I read out loud in order to improve my pronunciation. But that wasn't always possible in the hostels, where I spent most of my nights. Some room colleagues there just couldn't handle reading noises in the background when they had to loudly chat with one another...
But I couldn't care less. While spending time with my silent friends, thereby ignoring real people around me, I dreamed of meeting Wacholder again. With all the love fantasies soothing my mind I felt free and it also felt as if I could let go of the Viennese chic that stole my heart years ago. My fantasy girlfriend Wacholder would take care of me, slowly heal my wounds and tell me fiction stories that help me fall asleep. Finally she would even reappear in the real world. Well, that final thing didn't happen. But I'll tell you later. Let's first sum up why reading books was important and useful.
To start with, my readings weren't always readable. My blogging used to be at best cryptic if not merely utter nonsense; short, my writings didn't make sense. I didn't have a feeling for the language and when I had to answer questions during the mentioned progress-checks at the department, I always struggled to explain simple things, even if I understood them. But I always wanted to write in order to share ideas and express my feelings understandably towards others. With every book I finished I became better at writing and faster at reading. I would soon finish STEOP phase at the department and evolve as a student. So, it was all worth it.
Unfortunately, I didn't get the chance trying to impress Wacholder. She left for another institution pretty close to ours the following semester and never came back. Slightly frustrated and on top of that obsessed [as if haunted] with the idea that nazis and Germans would have too much influence on Austrian society, I requested a vacation semester at the university/department and left for Australia with the money left of my heritage. But that's another story.
Before I crossed the Indian ocean, I also let go of the idea that efforts to impress Wacholder were smart. I could have found her easily in the city if I wanted but didn't want another woman to think of me as a stalker, therefore canceled all my plans. My efforts to impress Wacholder should have helped me to kinda relegate into a higher league one day, where women of my fashion would challenge me even more than Wacholder ever did. But that wasn't the case. I felt exhausted like a mountain lion who after chasing deer unsuccessfully needed a break from hunting, although he needed to eat... and I was chasing a dream, again fooling myself into thinking that if I wanted something bad enough I would sooner or later get it.
I
didn't do Wacholder a single time and absolutely nothing happened, so it wasn't
supposed to hurt. But of course, it did; and I left Austria 💔, convinced that I won't find a soulmate here...
Of course, the conclusion I have to accept one more time is that I didn't see the forest for the trees and friends that constantly tell me "Låss den Wåld net wegn am Bam steh'n" of course are partially right. But if you want not only a decent fucker in your bedroom but a real friend you can identify with as a lover and soulmate, you'd sooner or later have to leap up that particular tree you fancy the most; and you'll be driven by songs like the one I listened to all day:
