Alrighty then. Fuck, my brain hurts... Since I gave up weed, I smoke at least three packages of Chesterfield Blue per day and for now I would lie if I told you that quitting weed is easy. Next to weed I also tempered out a few pharmaceutical bonbons that lately brought about a mix of cramps and constraints in my lower jaw that sometimes made me want to kill myself. Almost askethically, ignoring mentioned cancer sticks, I'm now coping with highly uncomfortable depressions and I'm overwhelmed, almost flabergasted, with the feelings and thoughts that come with the cold turkey. Those my little demons definitely don't stem from the weed but from the missing pills my head is longing for. But I'm still contemplating going back to weed due to those hellish depressions that I can't get rid off. Plus, weed used to shut off my brain and helped me fall asleep. The sleeping pills that I still use as on-demand medicines help me through the night, but they are far too strong; my heart beats like a fucking Black Metal drummer and I constantly swallow water to give my tortured body something healthy to work with. In a nutshell, life sucks these days and since I cannot sleep and my friends are gone, I hope writing helps. So, let's give it a try...
Before I start, I'd love to apologize to those who read the manuscript of the last post before my best friend did the peer review. With him I usually go through stuff that is absolutely crazy and can be too much for beginners, however patient and truth-loving the reader. In other words, sometimes my writings appear as if Hitler wrote it. That happens a lot when I'm manic and in future events I would love to show you even the deepest of my thoughts--just not like Hitler did. My friend and I decided to teach madness gently. So we had to delete a few lines that were inappropriate and simply not funny, at least for people who don't know me. But there is something that I would like to write down in advance, whether you like it or not...
I hope you've read my past posts and still feel like reading, cuz I tried really hard to keep my fucked-up world view appear funny and entertaining. I sometimes do that by showcasing foul and provocative language, making remarks that are not always polite--locker room talk, Donald Trump would say. And here I need to clarify why I do that. In my opinion, cherry picking won't bring me or anyone honest in this world any further. And only listening to the things, thoughts and ideas we wanna hear is just that--cherry picking. To understand how other people think and feel, we sometimes have to confront ourselves with not so pleasant ways of expressing emotions, and--admit it--we often turn away when people say or do things that we don't want to confront ourselves with; we're being lazy and ignorant. So, face it, the big problems we're dealing with today are not easy to explain; and the same is to say about the solutions we have to find. We're all, to a certain extend, facing hardship in life and we want simple solutions to complicated problems; we want easy answers to hard questions; but that is just wishful thinking. Life can be a pain in the arse. And so we have phenomena like Donald Trump in the US and right-wing populists like Herbert Kickl in Austria who--through fear-mongering--preach simple but understandable racism and xenophobia to people in rural areas where there are almost no foreigners, black people, turks, or whoever present. But those people nowadays make up a third of the voters in our country; and you're fooling yourself if you think that we can ignore these manipulated 33 percent any longer. It makes sense to neglect the interests of the politicians those people vote for, since they are assholes, but we mustn't neglect the real and understandable problems these 33 percent of the voters might have to deal with,... and--as much as you would love to do differently--we have to have our serious conversations with each and everyone of them if we don't want our world views to polarize. Just so much.
Now, locker room talk is not a right-winger phenomenon. Boys do it all the time. We never perform it in offices, schools, universities, family meetings or feminist meetings--thank god (if that fucker exists); we hardly ever print it on our shirts, but we always let it out it in bars, on the streets, in warehouses, on construction sides, during our lunch breaks, during our cigarette breaks, during sex, during our strolls through the park, when we pass around a sativa joint in a sausage-party-like setting, and of course, in the locker room. But girls, don't be mad at us if we do that, cuz here is how it works--no mansplaining: When we average boys talk openly among men only, we let our hormones do the talking; we let it all out; we send our demons further South AND THEN walk towards nice ladies we wish to chat with in the North and try to be as kind as possible, cuz we think that you're far more sensitive than we are; we simply don't want to be the assholes we can be, right in front of you. If you want an asshole as a lover, fine; forbid locker room talk; I'm convinced he'll let it out on you. But don't fool yourself into thinking that nice guys don't talk like that; they sometimes do... and every dude who alleges that he doesn't and would never do is a hypocrite.
In 2016, the famous pussy grabber video appeared only days before the election in the US. Democrats back then thought that this "scandal" would be a game changer in the elections to come. The fact that the appearance of the video in mainstream media didn't have an impact on the election pretty much proves my point. Donald Trump, back then, did exactly what I explained to you right now; and just like today, back then no one truly gave a fuck but a few hat knitters who made a profit of this fly-by-night left-wing campaign.
Okay, that felt like yelling. How are you? Still reading? Cuz I am still asking myself the question whether I shall publish these lines or not. But my friends always say that I can't be anyone's friend, so I'll have to risk it, even if it means you won't read me any longer.
...Nothing to discuss,
there are always two paths
but only one that you pass
And if you grasp that bit
it means you don't give a shit;
and sometimes that hurts.
Cuz that means above
you disappoint those you love
and that no one will suss
that for your own sake
you sometimes walk through broken glass...
Lyrics quote translated from the German original "Scherben"
by Daniel Wirtz
from the album "Erdling" (2009)
Well, now it's out. Enjoy the read.
NO! One more thing: don't confuse locker room talk with hate speech. You'll come across hate speech in all sorts of social media sources and if you want those conversations with right-wingers that I'd want you to have, you will be confronted with hate speech as well. Even try to get used to such violent rants but don't copy or utter them in any way. Don't condone them and report them whenever they appear in social media. And when being confronted with such slurs in your private conversations, make sure you'll do everything possible to get that hatred out of your opponents system before you continue with the argument/discussion. Just a hint: Remain calm, praise him or her for the honest, sometimes even smart and understandable points he or she mentioned before the rant, and finally express in a soothing voice what bad things might happen if we utter, repeat or share hate speech.
...and now you may enjoy the read.✌✌✌
Chapters in this series: [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8]
When you have a crush on your English teacher (2/2)
So, as I've told you in the first part of the story, I didn't pass Wacholder's classes. I remember spending my days in a hostel in quaint Ljubljana, Slovenia during the semester break, where I had a few days left to score on my blogwriting, which counted about 5 percent of the final grade in Wacholder's classes. I wrote a lot in the hostel, hoping to be sufficient this time, thought the few lines I wrote in Ljubljana would make a difference, then missed the deadline to submit, and a few hours later got the information that I didn't pass.
But I wasn't disappointed, cuz failing STEOP English classes with Wacholder, pretty much meant that I can go to her classes the year to follow. In other words, I got plenty of time--not only to be prepared for future classes but to do everything in advance to impress Wacholder the next time we would meet and chat.
Talking about chatting with Wacholder, there was only one single event where we would talk "unter vier Augen" (eng.: among four eyes, which technically means where we would talk eye-to-eye when no one else but the two of us is around); and it was not a private conversation; it was a professional meeting in her office. She then solely did her job as a teacher, giving each of her students the opportunity to chat with her eye-to-eye about individual language learning issues, thereby preparing us students for the upcoming progress-check. I used that conversation for exactly that purpose, but in the same time I was hoping, dreaming and fantasising that she'd want to have a private conversation on which I could build on mentally and emotionally. Unfortunately, the only two things she mentioned about her private life was first, that she is vegan, and second, that she likes books (and that books might help me personally to improve my skills as a language learner). And that was all I needed to go nuts on myself:
My thought was that if I really wanted to impress a woman that for the moment is totally out of my league and doesn't consider me a potential lover,... if I really wanted to impress such a women, I would have to change myself entirely, not only for her but for myself. And for those of you who say that's madness or even plain stupid, let me explain by telling you what I changed throughout a year without ever suffering and without the idea of not being myself.
1. Going vegan
When I left her office--by the way, totally enchanted cuz of her being funny, smart, kind, sexy, mysterious and thoughtful within ten minutes of a conversation with me,... when I left that office, I became vegan, not the other day but immediately 😂. From that moment on, I would cancel all kind of food that is in any way responsible for animal suffering--so I thought. But let me explain a few paragraphs later. First, let me tell you about the mindset that made me turn vegan so easily.
The next few paragraphs introduce you to my views and experiences about what I think is real and responsible veganism and what people perceive as veganism; views and experiences that I think are worth sharing. If you're not interested in the topic or the feelings of people like me, skip the following three paragraphs; they're not made for you. ...and if you can't count till three, just go fuck yourself.
First, let's or let me define veganism, so that we're on the same page. Uncompromising veganism is an ethical movement and a philosophical or at least ideological approach that abstains from any kind of behaviour that through your own conscious micro-political choices leads to unnecessary animal suffering. I know, plants also have measurable feelings--fact--but I haven't found a way out of that particular hell yet. Veganism takes plants out of the equation and so do I when I preach it in my writings. Anyway, the ideal motivation to go vegan is one that bases on respect for life and the feelings of other animals. Practical veganism is by any means always compromising but there are millions of things every single individual can do to walk in the right direction, performing veganism in the real not so utopian world.
And here I'm not trying to convince you. Just a few examples of what veganism isn't: condoning bull fights, condoning palm oil production even if the economy of your country doesn't depend on it, shooting animals for sports, keeping animals other than cats and dogs as pets, buying unhealthy products from the obviously green-washed "vegan" industry, using dairy products regularly when plenty of other more healthier resources are available for the same price, buying fish from the ocean or using plastic or more plastic than necessary (for instance for food that can be packaged differently)...the list is endless.
When I, back in the day, considered myself a vegan, I did many things wrong. For instance, I used the wrong products for nutrition. That's why throughout six years of thinking that I was a decent vegan, I gained about 40 kilos (basically fat) with the food I ate. I became fatigue and in the end, I had to give in and continued eating meat, basically cuz I couldn't get enough human-like proteins for my muscles. Working in an office instead of performing physical labor would also bring about health issues that I couldn't accept. I had to think of my own health, even if it meant that I had to demand chicken meat in stores.
But the idea to go vegan was a choice that I don't regret. In these six years I was true to myself, not ignoring the fact that many animal species suffer cuz of the ignorant, most powerful, most complacent animal species in our contemporary world... and there are still a thousand right reasons left to go back to veganism, not only for the fantastic chic I would have loved to rock all night, but for myself.
2. Reading books
To start with, if a pal or whoever says "Read a book", he or she in a flourishing way (dt. durch die Blume) tells you that you're stupid and work is necessary to change that; no hard feelings. The problem with books nowadays is that every stupid mothafucka has the resources to write a book. That's a problem we may have since the invention of the book press in the 15th century. Since that period of time, propaganda can be easily spread through readings and even in creating what Benedict Anderson calls imagined communities, mass-produced writings play a vital role. The good thing about books is that if you use them wisely, they're like silent friends who are not mad at you if you put them away--and if you put them away, you have all the time in the world to make up your own mind whether what you just read was bullshit or not. But you don't need that knowledge to enjoy reading a good book. In fact, sometimes reading books can be joyful only if you consume them without too much thinking-breaks in between. A good example for that are the world-famous and Nobel Prize winning South American so-called magical realism writings of García Marquez and Allende. If you read them without too much thinking in between you may dive in a world that is absurd and unreal, fantastic and mind-blowing. In García Marquez's case, while you're diving in there, you even come to grips with South American history, such as the exploitation of banana trusts in Columbia or wars between liberal and conservative movements that changed South American society.
I didn't pick such books in the beginning of my year-long reading mission. I first read a wide-spread German version of the Old Testament, a German interpretation of the Holy Quran and Herman Hesse's Buddha novel, hoping that by reading such material I would find the right religion, at least for myself. That didn't work out, by the way. The opposite was the case. I drove myself crazy by trying to find solutions for an issue even the smartest people in the world haven't found solutions yet... and here is how I fared:
I concluded that the written traditions of holy books, especially those of the three major monotheistic religions, are too radical and intolerant towards other usually older and now extinct beliefs and if you start believing that your chosen religion is the only right one, you're very likely to wish that you are part of the chosen people and that you sooner or later legitimate violence, killing, even genocide towards different-thinking tribes once you're convinced that everything you do, you do in the name of the super-natural being you want to believe in; history proves me right manifold. But that I personally came to conclude that I don't need to believe in gods or one particular god doesn't mean that we should give up religions entirely. It just means that religious institutions nowadays have a great deal of work and progressive reformation and interpretation in front of them if they want to serve mankind as a whole in our contemporary world. They can do that by permanently acting out of love and compassion towards others in their temples, churches and mosque associations; and they can do it in exchange with atheists by letting only arguments count that are accessible in both world views, the religious and the atheistic.
If you want to make writings of Christian mythology count for everyone, you can do that by something I usually condemn, which is cherry-picking. Pick everything from the teachings of Jesus Christ that goes hand in hand with all other world views that claim to be egalitarian, loving and peaceful and no one will question your beliefs. Get that right and you may even get followers for what even the Roman Catholic Church got right in the first place. Things like praying as a source of meditation, choir concerts in churches, letting kids in school draw pictures of Jesus during a rave party where five loafs of bread and two fish were sufficient catering for the entire crowd*.... such things.
About the Islamic world I know fairly little and integrating or even including muslim believers into Austrian society is something most Austrians, me included, can't handle with ease. Reading a German interpretation of the Holy Quran was not as fruitful as I was hoping since I couldn't understand what I personally couldn't believe in. And when I read that interpretation I also first came to conclude that cherry-picking might be at least part of the answer. But after reading Tom Harris' "Islam and the future of tolerance" and throughout the research for a scientific pro-seminar exercise at the university (using an Arabic and four English interpretations of the Holy Quran as primary sources), I realized that most liberal muslims, who consider Islam to be an egalitarian movement (which is the way I want to see it), wish the teachings of the Holy Quran to be understood as a whole; no cherry-picking. Well, if that is necessary, plus you want to calm down Austrian politicians like former FPÖ-candidate for presidency, Helmut Hofer--who during a TV discussion (with present president Sasha van der Bellen) asked for a standardized German version of the Quran to be used in Austria,... if you want all that... if you want a modern version of a book that permanently used to be criticised for being man-made, so let feminist approaches count and--doing that, render interpretations like Laleh Bakthiar's "The Sublime Quran" into your language and then recommend it to your local mosque associations to serve as a source we all can live with. Cuz face it: Every contemporary version of The Holy Quran, including all existing Arabic versions, is only an interpretation of what muslims believe is the ancient word of God/Allah**.
All the muslims I live with--no one excluded--are good from the bottom of their hearts and I don't fully get why right-wingers from the Austrian nazi party FPÖ still harrass them publicly. They wouldn't if they knew that in cities like mine muslims give to the poor, whether you're muslim, christian or atheist; and faithful muslims probably do that, I assume, because the Holy Quran asks them to do***
In a nutshell, reading one single book and then relying on that one as a source of wisdom in order to find my place in the world seemed unmanageable and ignorant to me--especially when it comes to religion. In that field of interest I had to read much in order to understand little... to understand what is accessible to the human mind; or as I'd interpret a popular line in a useful way:
[May the universe] grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom always to know the difference...
Anyway, if I wanted to impress Wacholder the next year, I would have to read many page turners. Religion wasn't my tool to escape reality; I fell for fiction, Disney comics and detective novels. Between 2012 and 2013 I enjoyed well over a hundred books. Most of them I read out loud in order to improve my pronunciation. But that wasn't always possible in the hostels, where I spent most of my nights. Some room colleagues there just couldn't handle reading noises in the background when they had to loudly chat with one another...
But I couldn't care less. While spending time with my silent friends, thereby ignoring real people around me, I dreamed of meeting Wacholder again. With all the love fantasies soothing my mind I felt free and it also felt as if I could let go of the Viennese chic that stole my heart years ago. My fantasy girlfriend Wacholder would take care of me, slowly heal my wounds and tell me fiction stories that help me fall asleep. Finally she would even reappear in the real world. Well, that final thing didn't happen. But I'll tell you later. Let's first sum up why reading books was important and useful.
To start with, my readings weren't always readable. My blogging used to be at best cryptic if not merely utter nonsense; short, my writings didn't make sense. I didn't have a feeling for the language and when I had to answer questions during the mentioned progress-checks at the department, I always struggled to explain simple things, even if I understood them. But I always wanted to write in order to share ideas and express my feelings understandably towards others. With every book I finished I became better at writing and faster at reading. I would soon finish STEOP phase at the department and evolve as a student. So, it was all worth it.
Unfortunately, I didn't get the chance trying to impress Wacholder. She left for another institution pretty close to ours the following semester and never came back. Slightly frustrated and on top of that obsessed [as if haunted] with the idea that nazis and Germans would have too much influence on Austrian society, I requested a vacation semester at the university/department and left for Australia with the money left of my heritage. But that's another story.
Before I crossed the Indian ocean, I also let go of the idea that efforts to impress Wacholder were smart. I could have found her easily in the city if I wanted but didn't want another woman to think of me as a stalker, therefore canceled all my plans. My efforts to impress Wacholder should have helped me to kinda relegate into a higher league one day, where women of my fashion would challenge me even more than Wacholder ever did. But that wasn't the case. I felt exhausted like a mountain lion who after chasing deer unsuccessfully needed a break from hunting, although he needed to eat... and I was chasing a dream, again fooling myself into thinking that if I wanted something bad enough I would sooner or later get it.
I didn't do Wacholder a single time and absolutely nothing happened, so it wasn't supposed to hurt. But of course, it did; and I left Austria 💔, convinced that I won't find a soulmate here...
Of course, the conclusion I have to accept one more time is that I didn't see the forest for the trees and friends that constantly tell me "Låss den Wåld net wegn am Bam steh'n" of course are partially right. But if you want not only a decent fucker in your bedroom but a real friend you can identify with as a lover and soulmate, you'd sooner or later have to leap up that particular tree you fancy the most; and you'll be driven by songs like the one I listened to all day:
Thanks for your time
Yours,
Kulla 👹🐌
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Books I recommend of which I mentioned content in the current reading:
Imagined Communities – Benedict Anderson
Hundert Jahre Einsamkeit – Gabriel García Marquez (Übersetzung)
Siddharta – Hermann Hesse
Zwischen Naturalismus und Religion – Jürgen Habermas
Islam and the future of tolerance – Tom Harris
The Sublime Quran – Laleh Bakthiar
Slaugtherhouse Five – Kurt Vonnegut
A Question of Belief – Donna Leon
Other sources:
*Atheism 2.0 – Allain de Botton
**god is not great – Christopher Hitchens (R.I.P.)
***Crash Course World History with John Green: Islam, the Quran, and the Five Pillars
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