Alrighty then. Fuck, my brain hurts... Since I gave up weed, I smoke at least three packages of Chesterfield Blue per day and I would lie if I told you that quitting weed is easy. Next to weed I also tempered out a few pharmaceutical bonbons that lately brought about a mix of cramps and constraints in my lower jaw that sometimes made me want to kill myself. Almost askethically, ignoring mentioned cancer sticks, I'm now coping with highly uncomfortable depressions and I'm overwhelmed, almost flabergasted, with the feelings and thoughts that come with the cold turkey. Those my little demons definitely don't stem from the weed but from the missing pills my head is longing for. But I'm still contemplating going back to weed due to those hellish depressions that I can't get rid off. Plus, weed used to shut off my brain and helped me fall asleep. The sleeping pills that I still use as on-demand medicines help me through the night, but they are far too strong; my heart beats like a fucking Black Metal drummer and I constantly swallow water to give my tortured body something healthy to work with. In a nutshell, life sucks these days and since I cannot sleep and my friends are gone, I hope writing helps. So, let's give it a try...
Before I start, I'd love to apologize to those who read the manuscript of the last post before my best friend did the peer review. With him I usually go through stuff that is absolutely crazy and can be too much for beginners, however patient and truth-loving the reader. In other words, sometimes my writings appear as if Hitler wrote it. That happens a lot when I'm manic and in future events I would love to show you even the deepest of my thoughts--just not like Hitler did. My friend and I decided to teach madness gently. So we had to delete a few lines that were inappropriate and simply not funny, at least for people who don't know me. But there is something that I would like to write down in advance, whether you like it or not...
I hope you've read my past posts and still feel like reading, cuz I tried really hard to keep my fucked-up world view appear funny and entertaining. I sometimes do that by showcasing foul and provocative language, making remarks that are not always polite--locker room talk, Donald Trump would say. And here I need to clarify why I do that. In my opinion, cherry picking won't bring me or anyone honest in this world any further. And only listening to the things, thoughts and ideas we wanna hear is just that--cherry picking. To understand how other people think, we sometimes have to confront ourselves with not so pleasant thoughts and--admit it--we often turn away when people say things that we don't want to hear; we're being lazy and ignorant. So, face it, the big problems we're dealing with today are not easy to explain; and the same is to say about the solutions we have to find. We're all, to a certain extend, facing hardship in life and we want simple solutions to complicated problems; we want easy answers to hard questions; but that is just wishful thinking. Life can be a pain in the arse. And so we have phenomena like Donald Trump in the US and right-wing populists like Herbert Kickl in Austria who--through fear-mongering--preach simple but understandable racism and xenophobia to people in rural areas where there are almost no foreigners, black people, turks, or whoever present. But those people nowadays make up a third of the voters in our country; and you're fooling yourself if you think that we can ignore these manipulated 33 percent any longer. It makes sense to neglect the interests of the politicians those people vote for, since they are assholes, but we mustn't neglect the real and understandable problems these 33 percent of the voters might have to deal with,... and--as much as you would love to do differently--we have to have our serious conversations with each and everyone of them if we don't want our world views to polarize. Just so much.
Now, locker room talk is not a right-winger phenomenon. Boys do it all the time. We never perform it in offices, schools, universities, family meetings or feminist meetings--thank god (if that fucker exists); we hardly ever print it on our shirts, but we always let it out it in bars, on the streets, in warehouses, on construction sides, during our lunch breaks, during our cigarette breaks, during sex, during our strolls through the park, when we pass around a sativa joint in a sausage-party-like setting, and of course, in the locker room. But girls, don't be mad at us if we do that, cuz here is how it works--no mansplaining: When we average boys talk openly among men only, we let our hormones do the talking; we let it all out; we send our demons further South AND THEN walk towards nice ladies we wish to chat with in the North and try to be as kind as possible, cuz we think that you're far more sensitive than we are; we simply don't want to be the assholes we can be, right in front of you. If you want an asshole as a lover, fine; forbid locker room talk; I'm convinced he'll let it out on you. But don't fool yourself into thinking that nice guys don't talk like that; they sometimes do... and every dude who alleges that he doesn't and would never do is a hypocrite.
In 2016, the famous pussy grabber video appeared only days before the election in the US and Democrats back then thought that this "scandal" would be a game changer in the elections to come. The fact that the appearance of the video in mainstream media didn't have an impact on the election pretty much proves my point. Donald Trump, back then, did exactly what I explained to you right now; and just like today, back then no one truly gave a fuck but a few hat knitters who made a profit of this fly-by-night left-wing campaign.
Okay, that felt like yelling. How are you? Still reading? Cuz I am still asking myself the question whether I shall publish these lines or not. But my friends always say that I can't be anyone's friend, so I'll have to risk it, even if it means you won't read me any longer. Well, now it's out. Enjoy the read.
When you have a crush on your English teacher (2/2)
So, as I've told you in the first part of the story, I didn't pass Wacholder's classes. I remember spending my days in a hostel in quaint Ljubljana, Slovenia during the semester break, where I had a few days left to score on my blogwriting, which counted about 5 percent of the final grade in Wacholder's classes. I wrote a lot in the hostel, hoping to be sufficient this time, thought the few lines I wrote in Ljubljana would make a difference, then missed the deadline to submit, and a few hours later got the information that I didn't pass.
But I wasn't disappointed, cuz failing STEOP English classes with Wacholder, pretty much meant that I can go to her classes the year to follow. In other words, I got plenty of time--not only to be prepared for future classes but to do everything in advance to impress Wacholder the next time we would meet and chat.
Talking about chatting with Wacholder, there was only one single event where we would talk "unter vier Augen" (eng.: among four eyes, which technically means where we would talk eye-to-eye when no one else but the two of us is around); and it was not a private conversation; it was a professional meeting in her office. She then solely did her job as a teacher, giving each of her students the opportunity to chat with her eye-to-eye about individual language learning issues, thereby preparing us students for the upcoming progress-check. I used that conversation for exactly that purpose, but in the same time I was hoping, dreaming and fantasising that she'd want to have a private conversation on which I could build on mentally and emotionally. Unfortunately, the only two things she mentioned about her private life was first, that she is vegan, and second, that she likes books (and that books might help me personally to improve my skills as a language learner). And that was all I needed to go nuts on myself:
My thought was that if I really wanted to impress a woman that for the moment is totally out of my league and doesn't consider me a potential lover,... if I really wanted to impress such a women, I would have to change myself entirely, not only for her but for myself. And for those of you who say that's madness or even plain stupid, let me explain by telling you what I changed throughout a year without ever suffering and without the idea of not being myself.
1. Going vegan
When I left her office--by the way, totally enchanted cuz of her being funny, smart, kind, sexy, mysterious and thoughtful within ten minutes of a conversation with me,... when I left that office, I became vegan, not the other day but immediately 😂. From that moment on, I would cancel all kind of food that is in any way responsible for animal suffering--so I thought. But let me explain a few paragraphs later. First, let me tell you about the mindset that made me turn vegan so easily.
The next few paragraphs introduce you to my views and experiences about what I think is real and responsible veganism and what people perceive as veganism; views and experiences that I think are worth sharing. If you're not interested in the topic or the feelings of people like me, skip the following three paragraphs; they're not made for you. ...and if you can't count till three, just go fuck yourself.
First, let's or let me define veganism, so that we're on the same page. Uncompromising veganism is an ethical movement and a philosophical or at least ideological approach that abstains from any kind of behaviour that through your own conscious micro-political choices leads to unnecessary animal suffering. I know, plants also have measurable feelings--fact--but I haven't found a way out of that particular hell yet. Veganism takes plants out of the equation and so do I when I preach it in my writings. Anyway, the ideal motivation to go vegan is one that bases on respect for life and the feelings of other animals. Practical veganism is by any means always compromising but there are millions of things every single individual can do to walk in the right direction, performing veganism in the real not so utopian world.
And here I'm not trying to convince you. Just a few examples of what veganism isn't: condoning bull fights, using plastic or more plastic than necessary (for instance for food that can be packaged differently), condoning palm oil production even if the economy of your country doesn't depend on it, shooting animals for sports, keeping animals other than cats and dogs as pets, buying unhealthy products from the obviously green-washed "vegan" industry, using dairy products regularly when plenty of other more healthier resources are available for the same price, buying fish from the ocean or using plastic or more plastic than necessary (for instance for food that can be packaged differently)...the list is endless.
When I, back in the day, considered myself a vegan, I did many things wrong. For instance, I used the wrong products for nutrition. That's why throughout six years of thinking that I was a decent vegan, I gained about 40 kilos (basically fat) with the food I ate. I became fatigue and in the end, I had to give in and continued eating meat, basically cuz I couldn't get enough human-like proteins for my muscles. Working in an office instead of performing physical labor would also bring about health issues that I couldn't accept. I had to think of my own health, even if it meant that I had to demand chicken meat in stores.
But the idea to go vegan was a choice that I don't regret. In these six years I was true to myself, not ignoring the fact that many animal species suffer cuz of the ignorant, most powerful, most complacent animal species in our contemporary world... and there are still a thousand right reasons left to go back to veganism, not only for the fantastic chic I would have loved to rock all night, but for myself.
2. Reading books
WORK IN PROGRESS
