Good afternoon everybody,
it's the 30th of May 2024 and my friends and family spend the Christian holiday of Corpus Christi doing things without me...
The last couple of months I didn't have that kinda situation cuz I've been around great people almost every week throughout the week. Today I come to be reminiscent of the last 15 years where every day off, whether it was a weekend or a holiday, I had to stay alone and then quite frequently had to endure loneliness. But I'll come back to that shit later in the story. Let's do the fun part first...
Chapters in this series: [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8]
When your sexy working colleague starts being honest
The story I'm about to tell you happened a long time ago. I used to work in an air-conditioned cozy office that I could reach from my flat in a twenty-minutes train ride. I came in late once in two years working there. Stress was an issue but not the reason why I had to leave that office. In fact, there were a few reasons why I liked that club much, but first and foremost the girls were the reason why I would enjoy the work in the first place.
When I started the job, my bosses put me in a large office with about ten girls, each of them hot in their own way. Unfortunately, since I couldn't hide the desperate expression on my face that tells everyone that I'm single, each of the girls started talking about their lovers and boyfriends the moment they thought I wanted to date them. But just to put that in perspective, every girl does that to me. I don't have to ask them about private stuff. Asking them for a cigarette might be cue enough for an unnecessary, boring boyfriend story. I probably wear that warning expression on my face all the time. So I tried everything in my power in order not to appear lost and horny. I even once quickly jerked off in the men's toilet and then ran down to the open-air smoking area for a conversation with a lady I haven't talked to yet: "Hello, my name is Michael. We haven't met yet."--immediate boyfriend story; they always know it. I should have asked each and everyone of them if they thought that having sex with their boyfriends might be as great as having sex with me. But I had neither that idea nor the balls to do that at the time. Now, many years later, that I'm finally good with rejection of all sorts I'm contemplating to one day give that nasty response a try; the outcome can't be worse than a slap in the face.
Anyway, in my department, which never counted more than four employees in sum, workers would come and go. I mean, three of us would stay all the time and the fourth girl or guy to first fill the empty fourth seat would leave the office for whatever reason within a couple of weeks. The jobs we did in the office were not everyone's business. Lots of kind guys tried but eventually gave in. And so one day a chubby girl from the balkan came in and took the seat next to me. I don't remember much from the first encounter since I was busy typewriting, covered in work. A few hours later when she left to pee for the first time, my colleague on the opposite side of the table provocatively asked: "You like her, do you?", and I thought, "Good question. I should have a look at her when she comes back." A few minutes later she came back into the office and I took my time to let the perv in me do the observation: She had long dark brown hair and a round chubby but perfect face that she combined with an astonishing subtle smile. Her boobs weren't tremendous but I could imagine hiding my face in there since they appeared soft and luscious. I couldn't look at her ass yet since she didn't walk in backwards. But since the proportions of her body made clear that she liked cake and chocolate I came to the conclusion that she's quite a sexy elephant. Later that day I glimpsed at her round ass to get the whole picture and realized that many men would kill just to have sex with that woman. Optically, she was one of a kind and in her way good-looking.
Unfortunately, she obviously got hurt when she fell from the sky; and I had to find that out the hard way. In our first week together the four of us office workers had plenty of time for some chit chat and it felt as if we were a good team. Even in shady moments, a cigarette break and a cup of coffee once in a while would break the ice in case we got frustrated by doing our monotonous office work. So, everything appeared to be fine and I would sooner or later get the chance to find out more about our new girl if I just gave it some time. I found out that she loves to keep her life simple, that she's a wine drinker, that she's contemplating an IVF, that she doesn't want to marry again; lots of personal stuff that first made me think that she's accessible in private. But then I stepped on a minefield...
One morning, I came in a few minutes later than usually but still in time, not noticing anything special. I was the last to enter the office. I went to my table, switched on the computer and sat down, helloing everyone. The computer warmed up and I looked around me, then kinda shocked asked the new girl: "Oh dear, you look horrible. Are you sick?" And she quickly responded: "No, I'm fine. I overslept and therefore don't wear make-up". My colleague on the opposite of the table couldn't help but laughing, adding to his roar "Michael, now you're full of shit. You know nothing about women!" and the girl might have come to the same conclusion. Cuz the next couple of weeks, she would permanently preach what she thought I got wrong about life. During her calm moments, she would softly explain to me "You're nice. That's a quality. But women don't look for nice guys; they want assholes as lovers". In an open conversation, for instance, when I mentioned heartaches during my vacations, she would emphasize on her asshole theory. And when I couldn't leave my depressions at home, therefore keeping a sad face and being calm, she would explain: "You're horrible to look at. With that sad expression on your face, you're pulling everyone around you down. That's why no one is fucking you!"...
My depressive phase that I had at the time might really have pulled her down. She really couldn't handle such days of mine and it might be one of the reasons why she eventually quit the comfy office job. She definitely had problems sitting next to me every work day of the week, not seeing what she wanted. But just to address the elephant in the room, that was her being insensitive and her being closed towards me.
However, when she let it all out before she tromped out of the office for the last time, she took one shot that slightly got me. I don't remember in what context she said it and what kinda story I told her. I only got the gist. It was something like this: "Your problem with women is that you show weakness. You show that you're needy. You show that you make your happiness depend on whether you're with a woman or not. And you want to be saved. No woman wants that."... and these words, I assume, are always true when my mind fucks me from behind*. Cuz everything I've told you so far about my approach when dealing with lonetime might make you think that this is not something that tortures my soul. But it sometimes does and I'm alone more often than any other person I can think of. Loneliness makes me suffer sometimes. On the other hand, solitude is something I need and I have my ways to turn loneliness into solitude creatively. But more and more I can't get rid of the need to find my soulmate; a person that makes me feel complete, balanced, understood and loved, not only fucked (in case you got that wrong by emphasizing on my my perv content).
I will continue pondering about that needy mindset of mine and that's why I'm kinda thankful for that girls open thoughts. But everything else she said, she could have kept for herself. Cuz first, there's no point in telling a man what he may have to change about himself if the reward for that change isn't being saved by particularly that woman who demands that change; cuz we're all different and need different things to mitigate hardship in life. And second, better lose while being yourself cuz you can't win while being someone else. Just so much.
I told you in the instruction of that post that I'm suffering loneliness these days. But I'm also telling you that this suffering won't kill me. Otherwise I would have been dead already. It's a void and it hurts and it's a pain I don't get used to. But when I'm with a girl I'm in love with... that pain is gone. That is nothing individual about me. Everyone gets that. And the only thing that distinguishes me from most of the other guys is that they found a girl who saved them.
Okay, it's not getting any better today. While I wrote that shit I just ruined my best option for a happy ending. Have to start from scratch...
I'll call it a day and lick my wounds
Be kind 🐘
Hopefully see you soon
Kulla 👹🐺
* Borrowed plumes in this writing:
Daniel Wirtz - Weil ich so bin
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